Times are Tough but Jack is Back!

Jan 15, 2009 By Gale Hammond

January is one of the longest months of the year consisting of approximately 97 days. Poor January is one of those months that is picked on by other months. January is jammed between December, which has all the "good" holidays including New Year's Eve, and February, which is anticipated primarily by teenage girls hoping for "Big Things" to happen on Valentine's Day.

So if you think the biggest thrill you'll have this month is checking out the January White Sales, you are probably right. Except for one important item: check your TV listings, people! If you are a "24" fan, help has arrived.

On a related note, a new administration is about to take over the country. Barack Obama's team is lined up, ready to jump into action. And the first jump they are likely to make is halting the downward spiral of the economy.

"What on earth," you are probably thinking, "does the new president have to do with '24,' and please get on with it because I have to leave shortly to pick up some new sheets before they run out of California King fitted bottoms!"

To which I say, "Have you NEVER seen Jack Bauer in action?" He is just what this country needs. If we put Jack in charge of fixing the economy, Obama and his team could get back to playing basketball.

Now we elected Obama because this man is no dummy, and his first day on the job might go something like this: President Obama phones Federal Agent Jack Bauer. Jack answers on his high-tech geek phone, which is so sophisticated it never needs a battery charge because heaven knows Jack has no time for plugging into a battery charger. President Obama, speaking on a far less superior apparatus, finds Jack in between beatings administered to him by the CIA.

Obama: "Hey, Jack! Listen, dude, I know you're on the lam from the FBI and you just got back from Africa and all, but I wondered if you might have some extra time to sort of, ahhhhh, you know, fix the economy?"
Jack: "Of course, Mr. President, I'll get right on it."
Obama: "Thanks, Jack! I'm counting on you, dude, and remember: dude without the 'e' is just another dud."

Now if you are thinking that nobody can go it alone fixing the economy, you don't know Jack. Jack Bauer is the embodiment of the word "maverick." Jack makes mavericks look like lemmings.

And sure enough, by the time the big hand moves to the next hour of "24," Jack is onto a sinister, malevolent scheme hatched by soulless extremists from foreign hostile nations. These radicals, known as Economy Terrorists or "ETs," are fanatically sucking America dry of all its assets including stocks, bonds, 401k plans and Suze Orman's pastel leather jackets.

Federal Agent Jack Bauer has infiltrated the top echelon of these rogue schemers who hatched their plan by kidnapping and torturing a brilliant German scientist until he agreed to implant billions of tiny high-speed viruses into the shaggy scalp of Illinois governor Rod Blagojevic. Moving stealthily via wireless micro-transmitters, these auto-executed programs are hacking into firewalls and instructing bank browsers to download trillions of U.S. dollars into ET accounts overseas.

Unfortunately, ET operatives have discovered Jack's plot to shear the head of Rod Blagojevic thus revealing the sophisticated economic WMDs concealed beneath the governor's massive mane. Jack, meanwhile, has made the alarming discovery that Blagojevic is not an actual person but an android built by extremists for the express purpose of housing hordes of virus portals under his weighty wig. Bauer unraveled the dastardly scheme when the life-like automation (affectionately nicknamed "Blago") began malfunctioning alarmingly by attempting to auction off Obama's vacant Illinois senate seat on eBay. Now in desperate difficulty, Jack places an urgent call to the Capitol:

Jack: "Mr. President! We must avert a matter of NATIONAL CRISIS. Enemy ET agents have me surrounded. I most likely can't get out of this alive. There is only one way to stop the country's financial downfall, Mr. President. You must HURRY! Take the new ATM card given to you by the First Lady. ET enemy agents have scanned the codes for all the country's banks and financial institutions onto that card. If you don't take it to an ATM and activate it immediately by inserting it into the slot and entering the correct password, it'll be too late! You must ACT NOW, Mr. President!"
Obama: "Will do, Jack. Say - what IS the password?"
Jack: (sadly): "You don't know, sir? Why, it's 'maverick!'"