Put on your Big Girl Panties

Mar 4, 2009 By Gale Hammond

Yes, I know, the headline is shocking. Just shocking. And that was precisely my reaction, too, when I received a message with the above subject from my e-mail friend, Linda. But before you charge Linda with being an insensitive girl, perhaps I'd better explain.

Linda, who I met long ago but have not seen for years, recently challenged me to a 10-pound weight loss competition. Nothing unusual in that, right? Well, you wouldn't think. However. Visualize a petite little thing like Calista Flockhart, for example, challenging Queen Latifah to a weight loss challenge. Wouldn't you kind of be going, "Huh???"

So when Linda and I re-connected recently via e-mail and she was e-chatting about "comfort zones," and "undies" and the purchase thereof and how she'd like to knock off a few pounds because of, well, said comfort zones, next thing you know I'd signed on to engage in a friendly "Biggest Loser" competition for a cup of skinny coffee a couple of months hence.

Now the thing is, I would venture a guess that Linda doesn't weigh a hundred pounds, sopping wet. On the other hand, I personally could stand to shed some excess tonnage. When you step into my closet you find yourself in a virtual department store containing every sized article of clothing available in the free world. Yo-yo dieting? Think express elevators at the Empire State Building.

Don't get me wrong. I have come to the realization I will never be a Calista Flockhart/Linda type girl and have adjusted to my Queen Latifah/Gale facade. I've never been one of those petite, wraith-like individuals that can wear anything and be a knockout. But I would like to be capable of turning around and walking away without leaving behind (so to speak) a view of what appears to be a couple of feral cats thrashing it out in a gunny sack.

So I took Linda up on her challenge. I wasn't going to quibble about WHY she wanted to acquire an extra micro-millimeter or two of comfort zone. Hey - I know my way around those elastic waistbands, too.

Now the critical thing about getting into a serious weight loss competition is that before doing so you have to "prepare." And you know what that means, people. Yes, in the days prior to entering an acute weight loss program you must consume every speck of epicurean goodness that exists on the planet because God knows you're going to be banished from those yummy foods for practically forever. This is why before engaging in any weight loss program you proceed to the nearest Cheese Cake Factory (or its equivalent) and order pages six through nine of the menu. Never mind that it is humanly impossible to consume every last crumb in one or six sittings, leaving you with enough to-go boxes to feed a couple of third world countries.

So the other day when I got a message from Linda I was totally taken aback when she revealed she had already lost two pounds. What?? I mean, that is so not fair. Due to my mandatory preparation, I had suffered a setback of approximately 2.8 pounds. Yikes!

Therefore, come April when this contest draws to a close, be on the lookout for a couple of weight loss buddies out on the town sipping a cup of skinny joe and yes, one or both of us may be wearing our "big girl panties" but we aren't telling because that's how we, um … roll. Just think of it as Calista enjoying a nice cup of coffee with the Queen.