Deja vu: 2008, Part Deux?

Jan 28, 2009 By Gale Hammond

Years from now as historians hunch over their laptops dissecting the events of 2008, they'll be scratching their collective heads and muttering, "What the ...?"

No, friends, it won't be easy explaining "what went wrong" in 2008 that precipitated the numerous sea of changes that occurred last year such as the tanking of the U.S. economy and Oprah's 40-pound weight gain. Nor, unfortunately, are such disasters necessarily confined to a single calendar year, and 2009 is shaping up as no exception.

Yes, you celebrated the end of 2008 by gaily sipping champagne from your boss's shoe at the annual New Year's Eve office party, believing whole-heartedly along with the rest of us that the country had reached the end of the mayhem. Sadly, it was not to be, and January 2009 evolved into a prolonged continuation of 2008. So to keep you, an informed citizen, abreast of events that shaped the last month, at great personal sacrifice I undertook exhaustive research consisting of approximately 45 seconds.

As the country watched the stock market careen madly downward, more industries sought funds from the nation's government. Financial institutions and auto makers lined up at the government's door attempting to secure federal bailout, er … "recovery" funds in order to save their failing industries.

The first week of January saw yet another major American industry seeking federal assistance. Adult entertainment publisher Larry Flynt and "Girls Gone Wild" CEO Joe Francis appealed for a $5 billion bailout of the suffering porn industry. "Works for me," stated former president Bill Clinton before naming himself overseer of funds disbursement for the porn industry's bailout plan. But you probably shouldn't quote me on that.

In mid-January America looked to the skies in two separate and very different incidents involving airplane pilots. Indianapolis financial advisor and private plane pilot Marcus Schrenker, apparently spurred on by all the talk of "bailouts," faked his own death by bailing out of his personal plane before letting it crash some 200 miles from where he exited the aircraft by parachute. Schrenker's wife had previously filed for divorce after learning of her husband's extra-marital affairs along with his improper business dealings. The unregistered investment adviser so embarrassed his relatives that the family dog has reportedly turned itself in at a local animal shelter.

Also in mid-January, US Airways made an effort to ease its economic woes by debuting its long anticipated "Air-and-Water" tour when pilot Chesley B. "Sully" Sullenberger landed his Airbus A320 in the Hudson River in freezing temperatures. Although the airline has wisely elected to suspend the "water" portion of the tour, Captain "Sully" managed to answer an age-old question: How many passengers can you get on the wings of an airplane? The answer: All of them.

On Jan. 20, the country witnessed the splendid inauguration of its first black president. The event made history when news analysts all agreed that the new First Lady was "beautifully dressed" and looked "young." Outgoing VP Dick Cheney staged a "sit-in" demonstration against the new administration by arriving in a wheelchair. And the music selections played by classical luminaries Yo-Yo Ma and Itzhak Perlman went off without a hitch because they were playing to their own pre-recorded music, an instrumental "lip-sync" if you will. Meanwhile, apparently still smarting from Barack Obama's negative vote to seat him on the Supreme Court bench, Chief Justice John Roberts flubbed the new president's oath of office by inserting the word "faithfully" in the wrong place. "Next time we're lip-syncing this thing," Roberts reportedly grumbled as he left the platform.

Doubly sworn in President Barack Obama was feeling the pinch in getting his cabinet seated by his inauguration. Timothy Geithner, Obama's beleaguered pick for treasury secretary, continued groveling, er … apologizing for making a $35,000 error on his personal income taxes. The soon-to-be secretary (and head of the IRS) reportedly said he wasn't incompetent or trying to evade paying his taxes but that he had been simply "rounding down."

And it felt like 2008 all over again the last week of January when the impeachment trial of Governor Rod "Blago" Blagojevich convened in the Illinois Senate. Charged with attempting to sell Barack Obama's vacated Senate seat, Blagojevich spent his court day conducting a media blitz, following up previous news conferences where he touchingly recited poetry. Blago, stating he would be cleared of any wrongdoing when he had his day in court, spent his day in court by being a no-show.

And in the "you just can't make this stuff up" department, Blagojevich revealed that before appointing former Illinois attorney general Roland Burris to the vacant Senate position, he considered naming Oprah Winfrey to fill the seat but feared such a pick would appear to be a "gimmick."

In another poignant moment, Blagojevich compared himself to a cowboy about to be hung without a fair trial and found solace in the plight of other wrongly persecuted leaders such as Nelson Mandela, the Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr. and Gandhi. So the questions remain: Will "Wrangler Rod" be redeemed? Will he ride off permanently into the sunset? Will anybody really care?With this audacious start to the New Year, what do you say we bid this "cowboy" - and January - a speedy "giddy-up."