Mushroom City Memoirs: The Column

We need a king of the road to recovery

Mar 17, 2010
By Gale Hammond


All this bickering back and forth in Congress is getting us nowhere. So I've been thinking about what could be done to get our government over this little "speed bump" of inter-party squabbling that has everything so mired down in Washington. And I've figured out the solution: we need a king.

Now before you rush off to your laptops to send me scathing letters about freedom and Democracy, let me assure you that I'm not suggesting we do away with Democracy. Oh, no. We just need somebody to oversee it a bit. Somebody like, you know, a king. We can still have Congress and the President and the "Supremes" in their black robes - not to mention our right to keep and bear arms and possibly even legs - and U.S. citizens will maintain their constitutional right to spill hot coffee on themselves in order to obtain high-priced attorneys to sue everybody that said scalded citizen can think of.

But first there is the matter of selecting a king, and it should be somebody with a household name such as "Tide." But that is ridiculous. Anyone with half a brain knows that a laundry detergent can hold no higher office than member of the House of Representatives. So in order to pick a recognizable, and therefore "good" king we will have to select this person from the world of "entertainment."

At this point you've probably decided to pick Oprah as our king, but since Oprah would technically come under the category of "queen," we will have to let Oprah slide on this one - although she would retain her constitutional right to randomly haul the proclaimed king off his throne and harshly interview him on her show except she is going to retire soon, and I don't know what we're going to do about that.

Therefore, we could have no finer king of the United States than Jay Leno. Or possibly David Letterman. I mean, come on. One of them (I've forgotten which) is already "King of Late Night." Or possibly that was Johnny Carson. And since Johnny is, unfortunately, still deceased, we'll have to go with Jay or Dave. Maybe they could be co-kings. Whatever.

So the king of the United States will keep an eye on government and apply stern punishment for severe infractions such as "not getting along with your neighbor." If fighting across the aisle holds up important legislation such as the move to allow states to only elect representatives with the last name of "McGillicuddy," King Jay-Dave will immediately remove the troublemakers from the premises and give them a mandatory "time out" in the stocks. Yes, the stocks, and don't get me started on the guillotine.

And what about all of this unseemly behavior on the part of our elected officials? I mean, excuse me for being picky, but "groping?" The king would command any groper guilty of "groping" an individual to mud wrestle a few rounds with Borat of Kazakhstan. Wouldn't it be thrilling to see Mark "I'm Hiking the Appalachian Trail" Sanford in one of those trendy neon-colored slingshot-like thongs in the ring with the randy hero of Kazakhstan? And if that's not a deterrent to those philandering politicos, I don't know what is.

As long as we're thinking outside the box, we could solve some of our global issues, too. For example, upon taking office, er ... kingship, King Jay-Dave would end fighting in the Middle East by removing all of the "good" people in Iraq or Iran or wherever. All the citizens of those countries would be required to fill out a form indicating whether or not they are "good" people that promise not to fight over things such as whose country produces the most colorful rugs. At this point, all of the "good" people from those countries would be transported to parts of the U.S. that we aren't using at the moment such as wide stretches of Utah and North Dakota.

Then all of our troops would come home, and instead of fighting the "bad" guys in Afghanistan and wherever, the troops would build roads and houses for the "good" people who would now live in those parts of the U.S. that we aren't currently using. This leaves the "bad" guys way back over in the desert to fend for themselves while King Jay-Dave rounds up numerous local "bad" guys such as gang members and tax cheats. And definitely "spam" senders. All those reprobates and lowlifes would then be given a one-way ticket to go fight the "bad" guys in the Middle East.

Now I have a ton of other good ideas that will fix up government but I can see you're having a little trouble breathing. So I'll just, you know, leave you to do some deep inhalation for awhile.