Surviving the recession: A report from the front lines

Mar 18, 2009 By Gale Hammond


Today some urgent news: we are in a recession! Yes, I know this is probably not a shock to you, but since this financial mess isn't going to be resolved within the next, say … day or two, it is time to have a heart-to-heart discussion about your marriage.

Yes, this icky (a highly technical financial term) economy and marriage go together like Mother Teresa and crack cocaine. They don't. Go together. At all.

Ladies, if you're sporting a rock the size of a grapefruit on your left hand's fourth finger and your hubby isn't happy unless you're shopping up a storm, good for you. This column is not for you. And guys: does your wife refuse to spend a penny on herself? Does she cut her own hair? Do her own nails? Wearing shoes she bought in 1982? Then check her driver's license, pal, because you've married an alien, and I don't mean an alien originating anywhere on Planet Earth.

But if you're suddenly feeling that your marriage wasn't exactly made in heaven and financial woes are causing a few new rifts in your matrimonial world, you are not alone. Couples usually begin their lives together with a few opposing opinions on the best way to handle a dollar. Save it? Invest it? Spend it? The old "opposites attract" rule is never more apparent than it is in today's economy, and what may have been endearing behavior a year ago is suddenly not so much. Even if you have cash out the wazoo, a poopy (another highly technical financial term) economy can cause even the happiest marriage to wobble a bit.

As you might imagine, my spouse and I are not immune to the challenges of the economy. And of course we have a lot of company. I mean, when your 401(k)'s bottom line is best described as "down the crapper," it causes a few anxious moments in most marriages. So a decision is made to tighten up the purse strings.Now this means different things to different people. To me, this might mean reducing the number of lattes I purchase in a week from seven to, well … five perhaps. Now that's what I call belt tightening! But my spouse, who I'll refer to here simply as "Mr. H.," sees things a little differently:

Me: "What's the good of having saved money all our lives if we're not going to spend it? My perfect plan is to die with zero cash in the bank, credit cards charged to the max and all of my payments are due.
"Mr. H: "Sure, and with my luck I'll still be alive."

Well. You see what I'm up against here, people. Of course he may be a little apprehensive because when we got married 34 years ago, he had a savings account and I, well … didn't. In fact, you might go so far as to say that he married the national debt because I was a working girl and, you know, we working girls had to look cute. So in my 20s, needing to make bold fashion statements while being short on actual cash, I discovered credit cards. They looked so pretty in my billfold, all lined up like trendy little soldiers. I made the rounds and acquired fun cards from all sorts of department stores including many that are now extinct: both the Magnin's ("Joe" and "I."). Roos/Atkins. Rhodes. The Emporium. And each store showed us the way to instant gratification with that ultimate bargaining tool: the "revolving" charge account.

Of course I eventually revolved myself into a pretty deep hole, but I recognized the error of my ways in, you know, 25 or so years and cleaned up my act. So I didn't get it when I made a teeny little request the other day and got this negative reaction:

Me: "I love the new dresser we bought for the guestroom, but wouldn't it look nice with different drawer hardware? What do you think about getting new drawer pulls for the dresser?"
Mr. H: "Replacing brand new hardware on a brand new piece of furniture is a total waste of money. You're not thinking logically here, Gale."
Me (huffily): "Well, you know my thinking has never been hampered by logic."

So while this episode demonstrates that my spouse and I are not always on the same page when it comes to money, we're working on it. Why, just the other day I came home after a hard day of stimulating the economy. With my arms filled with bags containing a few new (and absolutely necessary) purchases, he said to me wistfully, "You know, Gale, I wish we had the kind of money you think we have." Hey - that sounds like a great place to start.

Put on your Big Girl Panties

Mar 4, 2009 By Gale Hammond

Yes, I know, the headline is shocking. Just shocking. And that was precisely my reaction, too, when I received a message with the above subject from my e-mail friend, Linda. But before you charge Linda with being an insensitive girl, perhaps I'd better explain.

Linda, who I met long ago but have not seen for years, recently challenged me to a 10-pound weight loss competition. Nothing unusual in that, right? Well, you wouldn't think. However. Visualize a petite little thing like Calista Flockhart, for example, challenging Queen Latifah to a weight loss challenge. Wouldn't you kind of be going, "Huh???"

So when Linda and I re-connected recently via e-mail and she was e-chatting about "comfort zones," and "undies" and the purchase thereof and how she'd like to knock off a few pounds because of, well, said comfort zones, next thing you know I'd signed on to engage in a friendly "Biggest Loser" competition for a cup of skinny coffee a couple of months hence.

Now the thing is, I would venture a guess that Linda doesn't weigh a hundred pounds, sopping wet. On the other hand, I personally could stand to shed some excess tonnage. When you step into my closet you find yourself in a virtual department store containing every sized article of clothing available in the free world. Yo-yo dieting? Think express elevators at the Empire State Building.

Don't get me wrong. I have come to the realization I will never be a Calista Flockhart/Linda type girl and have adjusted to my Queen Latifah/Gale facade. I've never been one of those petite, wraith-like individuals that can wear anything and be a knockout. But I would like to be capable of turning around and walking away without leaving behind (so to speak) a view of what appears to be a couple of feral cats thrashing it out in a gunny sack.

So I took Linda up on her challenge. I wasn't going to quibble about WHY she wanted to acquire an extra micro-millimeter or two of comfort zone. Hey - I know my way around those elastic waistbands, too.

Now the critical thing about getting into a serious weight loss competition is that before doing so you have to "prepare." And you know what that means, people. Yes, in the days prior to entering an acute weight loss program you must consume every speck of epicurean goodness that exists on the planet because God knows you're going to be banished from those yummy foods for practically forever. This is why before engaging in any weight loss program you proceed to the nearest Cheese Cake Factory (or its equivalent) and order pages six through nine of the menu. Never mind that it is humanly impossible to consume every last crumb in one or six sittings, leaving you with enough to-go boxes to feed a couple of third world countries.

So the other day when I got a message from Linda I was totally taken aback when she revealed she had already lost two pounds. What?? I mean, that is so not fair. Due to my mandatory preparation, I had suffered a setback of approximately 2.8 pounds. Yikes!

Therefore, come April when this contest draws to a close, be on the lookout for a couple of weight loss buddies out on the town sipping a cup of skinny joe and yes, one or both of us may be wearing our "big girl panties" but we aren't telling because that's how we, um … roll. Just think of it as Calista enjoying a nice cup of coffee with the Queen.